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Two things!

Get help with creating, editing & fixing problems with skins
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Joined: September 1st, 2010, 7:10 pm

Two things!

Post by Brudes »

Hey guys, first time poster. Loving the program and all it can do just having two minor problems.
First is with the enigma notepad option, I modified the text that was in the tips thing that it came with and am now given this.

Heres a picture of what my notepad skin file looks like.

Onto my second problem my itunes launcher button isn't working the other three I'm using all seem to work fine, I made sure the path is correct

Thanks in advance guys!
Last edited by jsmorley on September 1st, 2010, 7:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Edited to use [hsimg][/hsimg] for large images
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Re: Two things!

Post by jsmorley »

Don't know or care about iTunes, so maybe someone else can help you there. On the Notes issue, it looks like you deleted </notes> at the end of the file, so it can't parse it anymore.
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Joined: September 1st, 2010, 7:10 pm

Re: Two things!

Post by Brudes »

Sorry I'm not really quite sure what you mean as to where to add the file, I tried adding it in a few spots.
So I have
In the skin and I also added it in the notes file but neither seemed to fix it.
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Re: Two things!

Post by jsmorley »

Brudes wrote:Sorry I'm not really quite sure what you mean as to where to add the file, I tried adding it in a few spots.
So I have
In the skin and I also added it in the notes file but neither seemed to fix it.
There is no need to mess with the .ini (skin) file at all. If you have changed it, change it back or put a fresh copy of it which can be found in C:\Program Files\Rainmeter\Skins

In particular this line is now wrong:


it should be:


Now edit the Notes.txt file in your My Document\Rainmeter\Skins\Enigma\Sidebar\Notes folder. Make it look like this:

<title>Enigma Tips</title>

<notes>- Click the icon above to edit your notes!

- Double-click the Sidebar or Taskbar to reopen the Home menu.

- Middle-click the Sidebar or Taskbar to configure your personal variables.

- Middle-click other skins to refresh them (or cycle their variants, if they have any).</notes>

Save it and refresh the skin. Should be working ok. Now you can edit Notes.txt as you see fit, HOWEVER:

Don't remove or change any of the actual "tags", like <title>, </title>, <notes> and </notes> You can change the title text inbetween the <title></title> tags, and remove / add / change any lines between <notes></notes>. Save and refresh to see your changes.
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Re: Two things!

Post by Brudes »

Awesome, worked great.
Thank you very much!
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Re: Two things!

Post by jsmorley »

Code: Select all

<title>Top 100 Things I Would Do If I Became An Evil Overlord</title>

<notes>My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-
concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept 
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of 
Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be 
in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you 
at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on 
second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet 
civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the 
final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it 
is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". 
The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets 
on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not 
clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well 
outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it 
by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to 
show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan 
that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of 
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The 
announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be 
deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of 
last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a 
device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter 
reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I 
want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp 
power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point 
in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one 
look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal 
laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a 
more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my 
Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like 
Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were 
eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not 
consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their 
use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator 
and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be 
overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even 
though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter 
the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually 

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of 
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually 
inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably 
someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will 
think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will 
have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will 
always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and 
into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into 

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in 
the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and 
abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-
weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic 
subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to 
illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a 
stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. 
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal 

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they 
just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone 
the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the 
cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard 
in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I 
will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I 
will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to 
grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the 
forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among 
his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, 
I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in 

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or 
whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching 
keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful 
rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly 
betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the 
pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other 
guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in 
my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, 
point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and 
kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly 
do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him 
while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect 
and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come 
after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not 
send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize 
something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be 
completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the 
beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-
oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my 
castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might 
not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do 
you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it 
simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions 
of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that 
require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally 
qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn 
to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the 
owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and 
toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am 
thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be 
used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I 
will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural 
supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be 
kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible 
tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual 
phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps 
they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control 
Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will 
be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches 
someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then 
subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm 

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to 
treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only 
reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time 
only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at 
state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned 
in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in 
groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears 
mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and 
call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a 
trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case 
the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to 
taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable 
superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even 
though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-
year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk 
"Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of 
standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with 
him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the 
edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is 
not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to 
reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait 
until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command 
will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has 
been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative 

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops 
instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and 
closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am 
about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop 
flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the 
crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave 
the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of 
trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. 
"Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at 
the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push 
the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not 
construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for 
incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my 
legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is 
unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away 
from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously 
agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It 
might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will 
say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my 
evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation 
I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly 
gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed 
or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a 
useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. 
That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an 
emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for 
a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the 
outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the 
door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective 
surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their 
activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. 
However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they 
spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the 
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point 
there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to 
overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not 
accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply 
choose not show them any.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my 
organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any 
other dress codes.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to 
assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his 
evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to 
safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not 
wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire 
engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, 
it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary 
character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed 
and destroyed.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the 
accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of 
my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the 
masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real 
thing ever comes along.

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my 
inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized 
by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-
foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close 
quickly in an emergency.

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the 
ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off 
as soon as it clears the blast-range.

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. 
He's mine!"

If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be 
activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when 
fatally wounded.

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. 
It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math 
skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than 
the standard issue.

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of 
heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct 
fire inward or at each other.

If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants 
will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before 

Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I 
will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but 
naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged 
son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years 

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap 
room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not 
leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead 
(finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching 
my adversary's demise.

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot 
and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off 

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty 
treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will 
also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result 
in execution.

I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way 
that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted 
and easily removable.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in 
the arena.

All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. 
If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit 
will give him away.

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough 
background investigation and security clearance.

If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating 
with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are 
easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at 
the orientation meeting.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian 
sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to 
force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on 
the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can 
prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a 
capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If 
I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device 
known as a battery.)

If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be 
deactivated and make every wire red.

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other 
cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any 
valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent 
lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security 
patrols will be more effective.

If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then 
encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to 
be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out 
another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for 
the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has 
escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not 
there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike 
them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is 
obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in 

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons 
will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the 
daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old 
granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask 
him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. 
When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that 
will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After 
all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's 
important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I 
will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the 
wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up 
the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my 
Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he 
cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some 
to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the 
gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners 
know Morse code.

If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where 
they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of 
brought in for salvage.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and 
completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded 

Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that 
couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make 
sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or 
staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons 
covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand 
combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my 
trusted lieutenant.

I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-
chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it 
is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing 
number of non-traditional gender roles.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, 
if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that 
way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before 
dashing off in hot pursuit.

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill 
their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon 
charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the 
completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much 
if they get stolen.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of 
family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and 
finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, 
blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.

Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to 
pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of 
a pebble thrown to distract them.

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For 
example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before 
finishing off my enemy.

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public 

When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not 
go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that 
he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-
guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn 
my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of 
the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I 
do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is 
between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international 
technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to 
impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the 

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. 
That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his 

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as 
a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression 
is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the 
core of a rebellion.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it 
would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one 
is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and 
come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that 
I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I 
will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank 
him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon 
provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information 
once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, 
but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered 
in this fashion.

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I 
will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding 
and her children's college tuition.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out 
behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old 
trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I 
can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and 
if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

I will not outsource core functions.

If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure 
it cannot operate in reverse.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of 
loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event 
open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival 

Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will 
install a surge suppressor.

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken 
identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or 
my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little 
gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items 
before throwing him in my dungeon.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into 
unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him 
to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the 
guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although 
slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain 
unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be 
able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant 
old fool is standing behind the curtain.

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but 
it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one 
ever conquered the world using a beta version.

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the 
cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she 
is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point 
of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He 
won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact 
that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this 
point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress 
and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for 
negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job 
will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords 
are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun 
will be summarily executed.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a 
need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person 
would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with 
those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment 
of glory.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around 
drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my 
dietician and my aerobics instructor.

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with 
sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, 
permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well 
destroy their credibility.

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my 
status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero 
becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged 
"repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they 
will be instructed to employ The Club.

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they 
call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught 
making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. 
It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general 
population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, 
conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to 
perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what 
the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are 
actually plotting.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the 
dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against 
heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion 
statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over 
during an escape.

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I 
will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the 
sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is 
virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free 
from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly 
good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple 
minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few 

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and 
regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former 
girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my 
bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline 
the offer.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now 
mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials 
container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike 
down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered 
for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, 
ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever 
someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips 
out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I 
need a shave."

My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too 
intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some 
subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains 
vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out 
all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I 
will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of 
their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a 
weapon and slowly back down the hallway.</notes>